Without a Word: How a Boy’s Unspoken Love Changed Everything Read online

  Praise for WITHOUT A WORD

  “Jim and Jill must be commended for sharing this heartfelt story. Their bravery and courage are unsurpassable. This book has given us a different view of the Kellys: we always knew them as part of the extended football family, but now we see them as a family with real struggles… a family who used their faith in God and their love for one another to press on! We will forever look at them in a different light. The Kellys are amazing parents, but off the football field Hunter was the true warrior!”

  —Brett and Deanna Favre

  “We know through our own experience of having a son with autism that challenges also present many blessings. We admire the fact that Jim and Jill have been willing to share both their struggles and successes with the world. This story is a tribute to Hunter James Kelly. Hunter’s short life transformed the Kelly family, and through the work of Hunter’s Hope, the foundation that bears his name, his life will touch countless other families. Reading this book was like watching a miracle unfold.”

  —Dan and Claire Marino

  “Jim and Jill Kelly were always headed toward greatness. Who knew that a Hall of Fame career with the Buffalo Bills would be dwarfed by their son, Hunter? This is a story that refuses to detail a sadness that would seem only natural. Instead, it is an uplifting tale of courage, hope, and love. We are proud to call the Kelly family our friends. You will, too!”

  —Chris and Katherine Berman

  “Jim and Jill Kelly have lived every family’s best sports dream and every parent’s worst nightmare. They’ve also faced every couple’s greatest challenge. In WITHOUT A WORD, Jim and Jill open wide the doors of their home and their hearts and invite the rest of us inside to share the joy of having Hunter, the heartbreak of losing him, and the beautiful healing God has brought to their lives.”

  —Nancy Guthrie, author of Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow

  “The story of the Kelly family is painful, but it is not a story of pain. It’s a story of redemption, grace, reconciliation, and the powerful activity of the work-all-things-for-good God. I found myself left without a word as I read it—humbled by the courage of Hunter, the love of his sisters, and the indescribable way that God demonstrated His love to Jim and Jill. Their story has served to enflame my faith, and it will yours as well.”

  —Dr. Jerry Gillis, lead pastor, the Chapel

  at CrossPoint, Buffalo, NY

  “I was emotionally drained but inspired when I read Jill’s book. God’s timing was perfect. This wonderful book helped me to see my own ‘trials’ in a completely different light.”

  —Denise Jackson, author of the #1 New York Times

  bestseller It’s All About Him

  “WITHOUT A WORD was more than a book to us. It was an education of faith. Jill Kelly embarks with you on her journey of love and heartache… the heartache only a mother blessed with a terminally ill child can describe. Yet you remain inspired through her pain. Jim and Jill Kelly unselfishly invite us all to have our hearts changed by Hunter’s precious life, to be devastated by his early departure and, finally, to be restored by the faith he left us with. These words will change your heart forever.”

  —Thurman and Patti Thomas

  “Without uttering a single phrase, Hunter Kelly came, lived, and departed having poignantly pioneered hope and rescue to the future lives and stories of thousands and thousands of families. Within the pages of this raw, honest, and tender revelation of intimate family ties, it is my prayer that you will feel the same emotions of joy, anguish, anger, heartache, thankfulness, forgiveness, and love that I have had the privilege to share with these very, very special friends. Because Hunter was such a precious gift from God, the Kelly family will never be the same. Due to the reading of this inspiring journey, neither will I, and neither will you.”

  —Richard R. George, pastor, the Chapel

  at CrossPoint, Buffalo, NY

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2010 by Jill Kelly

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  Unless otherwise indicated, Scriptures are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers. All rights reserved worldwide.

  Scriptures noted KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

  FaithWords

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue

  New York, NY 10017

  Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.

  www.twitter.com/faithwords.

  First eBook Edition: September 2010

  FaithWords is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The FaithWords name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  ISBN: 978-0-446-57435-8

  Hunter James Kelly

  February 14, 1997–August 5, 2005

  Our lives are forever changed because of you.

  Your bravery taught us to be bold.

  Your courage made us strong.

  Your humility inspired us.

  Your hope encouraged us.

  Your unspoken love changed us.

  We thank God for your amazing life.

  See you soon, little buddy.

  I dedicate this book to my two daughters,

  Erin Marie and Camryn Lynn.

  Girls, this is for you so that you’ll never forget how

  God rescued our family and how the unspoken love

  of your brother, Hunter, changed everything.

  I love you girls so much!

  We’ll see Hunterboy before you know it.

  I can’t wait!

  Contents

  Copyright

  Praise for WITHOUT A WORD

  Hunter James Kelly

  Foreword by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill

  Preface

  Prologue: Beyond Words

  Chapter 1 Not What It Seems

  Chapter 2 Welcome Home

  Chapter 3 Mr. and Mrs. Quarterback

  Chapter 4 Broken

  Chapter 5 Searching for Hope

  Chapter 6 Change

  Chapter 7 Hunter and His Sisters

  Chapter 8 Hunter at One and Two

  Chapter 9 Hunter at Three and Four

  Chapter 10 Hunter at Five and Six

  Chapter 11 Hunter at Seven

  Chapter 12 Hunter at Eight

  Chapter 13 August 5, 2005

  Chapter 14 Memories Everywhere

  Chapter 15 Unexpected Grace

  Chapter 16 “My Heart Doesn’t Look the Same Anymore”

  Chapter 17 Walking Through the Valley

  Chapter 18 I’m Free

  Chapter 19 Forever

  Chapter 20 The Time in Between

  Epilogue: While I Wait

  Acknowledgments

  Appendix A Hunter’s Hope Foundation

  Appendix B The Hunter’s Hope Kids

  Appendix C “Team Hunter” Memories

  Appendix D Hot Chocolate with God

  Appendix E Jim Kelly’s Hall of Fame Induction Speech

  Notes

  Foreword

  Jim and Jill Kelly are some of the most courageous people we know. Their work through Hunter’s Hope on behalf of terminally ill children living with Krabbe disease is as legendary as Jim’s NFL career—a
nd even tougher. Like the McGraws, the Kellys are all about the things that really matter in life: faith and family. There’s nothing that brings us as much pleasure as our girls and each other. Our family is a blessing, a gift from God that we refuse to take for granted no matter how busy life gets.

  This is a story of love and redemption, of dreams lost and dreams found, of light in the valley of the shadow of death. It’s the story of their son, Hunter. And woven through its pages is a tapestry of joy, grief, pain, and healing as the Kellys willingly take you to a sacred place. A place hidden deep within the treasures of a parent’s love for a terminally ill child. A place few of us, thank God, have had to go.

  Hunter never threw the football his father longed to toss around with him. He was unable to give his mother the hugs and kisses she ached for. And he never wrestled around with or teased his two sisters. Yet he accomplished so much more than many of us ever will. His extraordinary bravery in the face of incredible suffering taught Jim, Jill, and their children life lessons they would not have learned otherwise. Lessons that healed the deepest of all wounds and saved a family.

  We were profoundly moved by the courage it took Jim and Jill to be so agonizingly honest. It is rare to find people willing to be vulnerable enough to bare their souls and open their lives to all of us so completely. Yet they would admit that it was Hunter’s courage that strengthened them, and his love that made them willing to risk loving deep enough to take us behind the closed doors of their marriage and family life.

  We’re very thankful Jim and Jill came into our lives. And through Without a Word, we know them in ways we never thought we would. Now you, too, share that privilege.

  Forewords, like songs, are written in all kinds of shapes and sizes, and like a lot of songs, this one took on a life of its own. As a rule we have a few things to say, whether we sing them, write them, or speak them—but we’re going to wrap it up here. You see, through reading this book, we’ve come to discover that sometimes you can say more—you can even say it all, just as Hunter did���

  Without a word.

  Tim McGraw and Faith Hill

  Love endures where joy and sorrow meet.

  —ANONYMOUS

  Preface

  Dear Reader,

  This book contains my very heart, pieces of precious memories engraved on my soul. Memory is a very curious thing, isn’t it? We remember what we wish we could forget and forget what we long to remember. And maybe, oddly, it’s a good thing.

  Without a Word draws you into moments I remember—moments that crushed my heart, moments covered in muck and mire, moments I wish had never happened and those I’d love to relive again, moments that add up to a time filled with indescribable joy and unimaginable pain. While for the most part this is a chronological account of my family’s journey, Without a Word is more than that. There are journal entries and fragments of events and moments that changed my life, that changed our family—forever.

  Maybe you’ll be changed, too.

  Jill Kelly

  Prologue

  Beyond Words

  December 16, 2003

  It’s 4:00 in the morning, and in the predawn darkness I cling desperately to my son’s hand as the respirator helps keep him alive. Hunter is struggling heroically to breathe but just seems too weak to respond. The overwhelming sense of dread is so heavy as I wonder if this latest struggle could break his will to fight.

  My prayers are desperate, clumsy, and persistent as I willingly place my precious son in God’s hands. There is nowhere else to turn, for I know the night-shift doctors and nurses have tried every intervention possible to help him breathe. As I quietly ponder the hope held in my heart, a sigh of relief escapes my lips as Hunter’s fragile body resists surrender.

  Keep fighting, little buddy, please keep fighting.

  “Please do something, Lord. I love him. I need him.”

  Though we have walked down this scary path many times before, this night is different. It seems the only sounds in the hospital are coming from Hunter’s room. Why is it so quiet tonight? Where is the usual night-shift hustle and bustle? Why can’t I hear the routine beeps, drips, and alarms against the concerned conversations of the hospital staff? Everything around me is so still, far too still.

  For some reason no one asks me about signing a DNR [Do Not Resuscitate] form. Maybe they finally got the message through the countless refusals we have given them. We will never sign those papers. Life is a precious gift, and as long as our little buddy has the will to fight for his, we will always do whatever it takes to help him.

  Why are my mom and dad on vacation right now? My mother should be here; we need her. I feel so alone. As soon as she gets word that Hunter is in here, she’ll be on the next flight home.

  I hope.

  Thank God, Jim is home with our girls; they’re probably terrified. They love their brother so much. I wonder what they were thinking as policemen and emergency medical technicians whisked Mommy and Hunter off to the hospital. As the ambulance siren faded in the distance, I can only hope that Daddy’s presence will be a comfort to them. I wish I could help them understand, but I don’t even understand.

  As I sit on Hunter’s hospital bed and run my fingers through his soft, wavy hair, I cringe at the thought that he might not come off the respirator this time. The obnoxious squeaking of a gurney breaks into my troubling thoughts. As I turn, the body of a lifeless child covered from head to toe with a dingy hospital sheet goes by.

  Who is that child? What happened to him… or her? My heart aches for the family of that precious little one. Why did I have to turn around at that very moment? Why are the doors to our room open? We always close our doors.

  My eyes burn and fill with tears as I cradle Hunter’s limp body and look into his beautiful yet fearful eyes. Realizing that I caught a glimpse of the lifeless child, the nurses rush to apologize. “You weren’t supposed to see that, Mrs. Kelly,” one says. “We’re so sorry.”

  I imagine they become accustomed to death around here. Death is an ever-present shadow in the midst of life-giving technology, knowledge, and medicine. I can’t help but wonder if that’s how Hunter is going to leave the hospital this time—his beautiful angelic face and soft white body covered by a sheet?

  It can’t happen. This won’t happen. No, Hunter will get better.

  Tears pool and run down my cheeks, but I don’t want Hunter to sense that I’m a total wreck so I quickly wipe them off—again. The realization that he hears me crying jolts me from my grief. I must stop, for his sake. Hunter cannot afford to be fearful. My strength must be resurrected for my son. We both need to be strong.

  The desire to close my eyes is overwhelming. Exhaustion consumes me, but there’s no time for sleep. I’m beyond sleep. Hunter needs me. Every move the doctors and nurses make must be monitored. He has to get better. We must do whatever it takes.

  Watching my only son suffer is more painful than words can describe. And as I ache to take his place, even if just for a moment, the all-too-familiar, unanswerable question looms ever before me: Why does he have to go through all this? Why?

  Yet in the midst of our family’s anguish, somehow I know he’ll make it home again, just as he has so many times before. He’s such a brave little soldier. He’ll come off that respirator and we’ll be home for Christmas. He’ll breathe again on his own. I just know he will.

  And in that moment, there in Hunter’s hospital room, as I hold my son, I begin to recall the extraordinary chain of events that brought me to this moment.

  Chapter 1

  Not What It Seems

  January 21, 1997

  It’s hard to describe the emotions wrapped up in the day. After devoting heart, soul, and life to the game of football, my husband, Jim, had decided to hang up his football cleats. After four Super Bowl appearances, four AFC Championships, six AFC East Championships, and five Pro Bowl invitations, “K-Gun Kelly” would no longer lead the Buffalo Bills as their quarterback.

 
; Throngs of teammates and fans as well as family members and friends filled the Buffalo Bills Fieldhouse on that brisk afternoon. I vividly remember walking through the back entrance and slowly making our way across the artificial turf to the front end of the building where the temporary platform and podium stood. It was impossible not to think about the countless hours that Jim had spent here.

  It was also difficult to comprehend what our life would be like without football as the focus. My heart ached for Jim; his life had intimately revolved around this game since he was a boy, and now he was walking away. Football defined Jim—it defined our family. Our lives were consumed with the sport and the passionate man who played it so well: my husband. The more I thought about the uncertainty of the future, the more anxious I became. I didn’t know what to say to Jim as we walked across the field, so I just held his hand.

  Noisy chatter from fans and media anticipating Jim’s farewell ceremony surrounded us as we approached the curtain behind the stage that separated Jim from his devoted well-wishers. Jim paused to compose himself before taking the stage and reviewed his speech one last time. Meanwhile, I watched and waited for our cue to enter the roped-off area.

  It was an unprecedented moment. For years, Jim had calmly handled the weekly pressure and scrutiny associated with being the quarterback of the Bills, but at this point, he was a nervous wreck. However, he had gone over his retirement speech with the same fervor and energy he had once poured into studying his playbook and pregame film, so he was ready—just as he had been on all of those game-day Sundays when taking the field in front of eighty thousand diehard Buffalo Bills fans.

  We were given the cue, and it was time. Time for Jim to walk away from the game he loved, the game he lived for each and every Sunday, the game that had shaped our family for so many years.

  “Well, I guess this is it,” Jim said solemnly as he took my hand.

  We made our way up to the platform while hundreds of fans cheered and shouted.